Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Tyler Perry's Having a Baby

The other day I was perusing twitter, and I saw that Tyler Perry was trending. I have watched my fair share of Tyler Perry productions (thought I must say I'm not quite sure I "get it"), so of course I navigated over to see what all the tweets were about. It appears, dear spinsters, that Tyler Perry is having a baby. Now, I suppose the correct term would be "has fathered a baby," but when I think of Tyler Perry, I have to wonder if he is both the child's mother and father.

All of this was conjecture, of course, until yesterday when Tamron Hall was interviewing Perry about the premier of the film adaptation of Gone Girl, and she coyly asked about any other debuts Perry may have in the works. He was trying to be shy about it, but I think we all know Tyler Perry wants us to know about any production in which he's involved.

So, I had to make this into a gif. I know, I'm not great at photoshopping beards out. Why knew that was tough?

I'd like to go ahead and make the same joke I've been trying to make about this all week. No one seems to think it's funny but me. But I DO. that I've built it up so much, here is the text of Tyler Perry's upcoming birth announcement:

"Tyler Perry Presents A Tyler Perry Baby created by Tyler Perry and a woman (played by Tyler Perry)"

Is it just me, or did anyone else (apparently wrongfully) assume that Tyler Perry was just...Tyler Perry, an island unto himself? I had no idea he was into other human beings at all, women or men. What a sneaky little Devil!

My googling has, thus far, proven inconclusive as to the actual due date of Perry's Baby, but I assure you Atlanta will be all about it.

Now I shall leave you to stare at this gif in perpetuity.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Spinster Strategy: Foot Massage Wardrobe Guide

I think we all know that I'm pretty into Buford Highway and their illustrious massages. This weekend, I shared my love of Treat Your Feet with my friend Anne, and it was glorious. I thought I'd tell her beforehand what to wear, but it seems I forgot, and she showed up in pants. While that's not enough to ruin a foot massage (let's be honest, there's not much that can ruin that), pants can be a little bit of a hindrance. So, for your convenience, today I've put together a little list of do's and don'ts when getting a foot massage. While they're pretty amazing no matter what you do, this will make it perfect!

1. Wear a Skirt (or a shorts...especially if you're a man.)
          While it's possible to roll your pants up, I find I enjoy my foot massage more when the hem of my skinny jeans aren't cutting off the circulation between my calf and knee.

2. Don't wear your glasses.
          Ok, I have to wear my glasses to drive, but once I get into that luxurious chair, I can be blind all I want. This is especially important after the masseuse washes his or her hands and goes in for the head, face, and neck massages.

3. Don't wear earrings.
          I'm partial to dangly earrings, and this is absolutely not a good idea for any sort of massage. If you like to have your head, neck, and ears massaged (because who doesn't?), you may risk having forked earlobes by the end. I've actually seen this happen to someone before, but not at a spa. It was at Skate Galaxy in Sumter, SC. Ah, another story for another time.

4. Wear absorbent shoes....preferably sandals.
         I've made the mistake of wearing closed toed shoes several times to a foot massage, and believe me, that is a squishy, unpleasant feeling. I've unfortunately worn some shiny, faux leather sandals before, and I could barely walk for all the slipping and sliding.  For post foot massage stability and comfort, I prefer to wear my rainbow flip flops. I find these work the best because the soft nubuck leather is absorbent, and the flip flop construction allows breathability so that the lotions, etc, can dry without making your feet clammy. After all that fun, your feet need to be free!

Now, if you follow these four guidelines and perhaps shave your legs beforehand, your foot massage will be all that it can be! Enjoy!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Spinster Sadness: The Gosling Child

Well, spinsters, my life is officially over. As you may have heard, Ryan Gosling has had a baby with someone who is not me. That means, for at least the next 18 years, the other woman - yes, I am talking about Eva Mendes - will have a hold on MY Ryan Gosling that I do not. How could this possibly happen?

I've been mulling this over in my mind, and I think I've come up with a few explanations, but let it be known that none of this is making going on any easier.

1. I wasn't in The Place Beyond The Pines. While I can't say this is the first time Eva got a jump on me where the Gosling is concerned, it is where they met.

2. I wasn't in We Own The Night. I'm going to hazard a guess that this was when Ryan Gosling was like "man, I gotta meet that woman." It could have been Hitch, but I'm going to go with We Own the Night.

3. I didn't have a Lingerie Billboard above Broadway and Lafayette in New York...and If I did, no one would want to look at it...unless they have a bathrobed spinster fetish.

4. I don't live in New York anymore, and Ryan Gosling does. Le Sigh.

5. Ok, I've never actually met Ryan Gosling. I'm not going to lie...I think this is the most important reason.

Now that we've discussed all of this, I hope you'll excuse me while I drain my apartment of all the tears. I've been writing this from a raft that's floating around my living room.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Sunday Fun: Art Supplies Coloring Page

Yesterday was a busy day of spinstering. I tried two new restaurants, the Galaxy Diner and Cafe 101, and I think  now it's safe to hibernate for the winter. I won't need to wake or eat again until springtime, so please don't offer. It's hard to move.

Since it's Sunday, and all that food got to my brain, I thought maybe you could use another coloring page. Today's theme is art supplies. This one will fit on an 8.5 x 11 piece of printer paper, and you can use all the art supplies you have in your home to color in all the art supplies on this page. It will be delightfully meta.

Check back tomorrow for something that is potentially more meaningful and spinsterly. In the meantime, please do your coloring!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Sumter Spinstering: Celebrating Katie

A couple months ago, the current director of the Sumter Little Theater, one Mr. Eric Bultman (who also happens to be one of my very favorite people in this world), sent me a Facebook message. there was to be a celebration of the one and only Katie Damron, and he wanted to know if I'd like to contribute. Would I like to contribute!? I mean...was that a question?

Now, let me give you a little background info. I grew up just down from the Sumter Little Theater, and I was a bit of a ham as a child. It was not until I was a freshman in high school, though, that I actually started taking classes at the Little Theater, or SLT as we called it. The first few classes were so much fun, I knew I was hooked. The kids in the class were so cool, creative, and accepting, and Katie Damron was authoritative yet loving all at once. She is the reason that I know what it means to "fear" someone in a good way. The first play I ever did was Hansel and Gretel, and she'd cast me as the witch. I still have a scar on my nose from a blemish I got form all the green makeup. It was the most fun.

The year after I started classes at Sumter Little Theater, I decided to transfer high schools so I could get in more hang time with my theater friends and be in the drama club there because it was THE COOLEST THING EVER. Our fearless leader was one Mr. Kelly Melton, and he remains one of the funniest people I've ever met. I say that having met, I think, a fairly large amount of hilarious people in my life. However, I digress.

Miss Damron probably wouldn't object to her being described as cantankerous, but in such a good way, and all we students love her. So, of course, even though I was fairly sure I wouldn't make it to a Thursday Night event 4.5 hours away from Atlanta during my office's busy season, I made absolutely sure to send in my video greeting to my friend Marc, who had organized video submissions via a riotous mass Facebook message of SLT Alumni. The email itself was so exciting that I decided I needed to go to the event in person.

I left work at lunchtime on Thursday, and after being called some choice words by the man who tried to cut me off with no blinker even though he knew his lane was ending several miles before he tried to merge, I made it to South Carolina just in time to change clothes and catch a ride with my friend Sarah to dinner with two of our favorite SLT classmates, Tim and Marc. We ate at Sambino's because, where else? It seemed most appropriate.

I'm ashamed to say I was so excited to see friends I hadn't seen in ten or so years that I didn't stop talking the entire time. It was just so much goodness.

There was a reception before the main event, and there I ran into none other than Mr. and Mrs. Kelly Melton, still hilarious in the most insanely creative ways. I feel like talking to them is like begin in a constant brainstorm session. I'd just like to say right now that I think a person could lose weight just by talking to them on a daily basis. The laughing. You could get abs that way.

I'm trying to think of a way to describe how I felt during the reception, but when i think about it now, I still get giddy about how exciting it was to see all those people. So, we'll move on to the main event.

The celebration of Katie Damron was a collection of musical performances, scenes, dances, and personal comments by some of her old students. I don't know what I'd been thinking all these years, but I had no idea Damron had been in South Carolina since the fifties! The performances were so much fun (my favorite was a scene from The Foreigner), and the speeches were simultaneously touching and hilarious. The whole time I just thought my heart would burst. So much love for the Damron.

After the performances and Ms. Damron's politely greeting a never-ending line of people, even posing for pictures, there was a little dessert reception. At the reception, I spoke to one of my favorite stage managers, actresses, and tech ladies, Mrs. Beaty. In the mass email mentioned before, someone had brought her up, and it was unanimously agreed that we all love her. While I was talking to Mrs. Beaty, though, we realized we didn't actually know much about Ms. Damron's life before her tenure at SLT. Of course, since we were in the same room with the source, we decided to ask her.

I walked over to Ms. Damron where she sat on a sofa holding court, and once the resident Babiators exec had expressed his love, I knelt at Ms. Damron's feet. I told her that I actually knew nothing of her origin story, and it didn't seem many other people did, either. I got as much out of her as her being from Kentucky, but when I asked how she'd met her ex husband, with whom she'd moved to South Carolina, she was clearly over it. "Who are you!?" She asked, knowing full well who I was. "Why do you need to know?" Sharp as ever, Ms. Damron. Sharp as ever. She then told me she lives in the present, not in the past, and I didn't need to know any of that. So...there.

I end this story with that little anecdote because anyone who knows Katie Damron would say that was so typical. She's hilarious. And she's right. That is none of my business. She's a wonderful woman, and I can only hope that by the time I turn eighty-three, I will have touched half as many lives as she has. And that I will be as brilliantly sane and coherent and not "old ladyish" as she is. If I'm going to do that, though, I may need to watch a little less Netflix.

Here's to Katie Damron. She is one in a million, and I'm so glad I drove to Sumter and back for this. I'm still excited about it.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Atlanta Spinstering: #FAFATL 2

I had such an excellent time participating in #FAFATL last week, that of course I had to do it again! This week I've made these little tiny paintings on canvas, affixing magnets to their backs for sneaky posting! Of course they're not masterpieces, but I think they'd be pretty fun additions to someone's refrigerator or desk or filing cabinet or what have you.

Above you'll see images of the little baby paintings on my refrigerator. Later today, after I get back from the Katie Damron Extravaganza (formally called "Celebrating Katie") in Sumter, SC, I will sneakily post these around Atlanta. Check my Instagram later today for clues! I can already tell this is going to be addictive.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

New in The Zazzle Spinster Store: Prints!

In my spinsterhood, there are a lot of things about me that don't necessarily align with traditional gender stereotypes. For one thing, I don't really like salads all that much. For another, my apartment is a perpetual disaster area. I once had a boyfriend tell me, "I know what it is. You don't want to do anything you don't want to do." Uh...does anyone

But now I've already gotten off track. The thing I want to say is this: I am not overly concerned with feathering my nest. I mean, I have furniture, and dishes, but generally, since my lair is  almost always covered in a layer of unopened mail and discarded cat tee shirts, I don't think about decor that much. Lately, though, I've been trying to get better. In fact, I have recently ordered a bunch of prints shall i say this without being a weirdo? No, there's no way. I'm just going to say it. I've ordered prints of my own artwork, and then I framed it. There. I said it. 

The thing is, after I got over the fact that I had just had my own art printed and framed, it definitely had its benefits. For instance, I made it exactly to the color specifications I needed for each particular room. Now, though, I've decided to share some with you!

The image you'll see above is one of two abstract pieces I had printed for my bathroom. After I had them printed, though, I realized I could post them for sale on the Zazzle Spinster Store so other people could hang them in their bathrooms...or whatever other room they wanted. The cool thing about Zazzle is that you can choose the size, paper quality, and even if you want your item framed! 

I've added a few new items to the shop, but I'll be adding more very soon! Additionally, if you have suggestions of past illustrations you'd like to see added to the Art section of the Zazzle Spinster store, leave a comment! 

And if you didn't see the link above, click here to check it out!