Tuesday, May 28, 2013

A Spinster's Survival Guide to Wedding Season

Welp, it looks like wedding season is upon us. Now before I go any further, I want to go ahead and say that of course I'm overjoyed for all the happy couples. Since I'm not part of one of them, though, I feel I need to take particular care in girding my loins for the wedding season ahead. If you, too, are a single lady this wedding season, I'd like to offer you my own personal survival guide to making it through all this nuptial bliss.

1. Wear comfortable shoes.
          You're a spinster, and you don't play. You've already bought a wedding gift and maybe a plane ticket, and you don't need to pay with bloody and blistered feet. Those spike heels may make you look taller and your legs look longer, but you'll be a much happier spinster if you're not contemplating using the silver service to saw off your feet at the ankles.

2. Don't bring a date.
          They say one of the best places to meet your future spouse is at a wedding. So, while all those questions about when you're going to tie the knot or when you're going to come home or if you're dating anyone may make you want to die, they'd be ten times more awkward with a straight guy who's not your boyfriend by your side. So, my suggestion is this: if you feel you need a date at all, bring a girl or your main gay. This way, you don't have to endure any questions about when the two of you are getting engaged, and if there are any cute guys there, you're in the clear and won't have to explain that you and your date are "just friends."

3. Buy off the registry.
          I know, I know. You want your gift to be special, and you don't want them to know how much it cost you. However, resist. You'll save yourself a lot of time and effort by just buying something that fits your price off the registry. Furthermore, the bride and groom registered for all that stuff because they actually wanted it. You don't have to worry about whether or not they like it; you know they want it. Bonus: If you're unable to attend the wedding, but you still need to send a gift, you can probably order it online and have it delivered with a personalized message. This way, you can ensure it won't be broken when it arrives.

4. Bring your smart phone.
          Like I even need to say this....but I'm going to go ahead and explain it. I think we all know the advent of the smart phone signified the end to boredom in every situation where you can get 4G. So, if you find yourself abandoned and sober at a table while all of your coupled-off friends dance the night away, you can easily occupy yourself with facebook, instagram, words with friends, twitter, and any number of other things. If you haven't been abandoned, though, you can always use your phone to take photos of the reception and share them immediately so the bride and groom can peruse them at their leisure. And that's a nice thing to do.

5. Don't wear a strapless dress.
          There's nothing worse than dancing in a strapless bra. And there's nothing less appealing than having to keep yanking it up while you're trying to look poised and sophisticated. You may be grumpy and weepy from the ceremony and the panicked feeling that no one will ever love you, but if you're wearing your favorite and most comfortable bra, at least you won't have to worry about that.

6. Pre eat.
          Some people like pregame before they go out for a night by having a few drinks at their apartment. As a nondrinker, I like to pre eat. Pre eating isn't really wedding-specific, but a wedding is really one of those parties at which you want to make sure you're not ravenous. You just never know what to expect. After all, the last thing you want to be doing while everyone wonders aloud why you're still single is ravenously eyeing the chocolate covered strawberries and wondering what cocktail meatballs taste like dipped in the chocolate fountain. Because if you do that, they won't be wondering anymore. (Full disclosure: I have dipped a chicken finger in a chocolate fountain before, and I can't say I didn't like it.)

7. Bring your own car.
          Now, I'm lucky enough to be a New Yorker whose parents keep an extra car around for her to drive when she's home. Most of the weddings I'm attending this year are near my home, so I'll be driving my own car. I know, it's a luxury that not everyone has. However, you may want to seriously consider having this as an option. My parents always told me when I was in high school that the reason I had my own car is so that I would never be in a situation where I was uncomfortable, stuck, and couldn't leave. Of course, I sincerely hope no one will actually be uncomfortable at the weddings they attend this season, but if there's a buzzard of a weird moley older man who won't leave you alone, at least if you bring your own car, you can flea the scene. Also, if you're the only unattached lady there, which, if you're my age, is increasingly more likely to be the case, you can leave when everyone gets a little tipsy and couply.

8. Leave the shapewear at home.
          I know. This may be controversial, but I have tried on shapewear before, and it is not comfortable. You do not want to be physically uncomfortable at this thing...or ever, really. My suggestion is just to get a dress that is flattering in such a way that doesn't need shapewear. That way, you won't feel like you have an ever-tightening boa constrictor around your waist, hips, and thighs all night. Becuase the more you eat, the tighter it feels. You know you know what I'm talking about.

9. Read a book, see a movie, and watch the news:
          Of course, you shouldn't do all of this during the wedding. What I mean to say is that you should be up on some current events that everyone will hopefully know about or have experienced. This way, you'll have a few topics to discuss that don't include your asking "what do you do?", "How do you know the bride and/or groom", or "Is that your girlfriend?" Also, this will hopefully keep you from talking too much about yourself, which of course, you are always worried about.

10. Go to the bathroom when you see they're going to toss the bouquet.
          It's not that you don't want to get married. You probably do. Or maybe you don't. I don't know. But I think all truly single girls can agree that the bouquet toss feels really awkward for them. It's like a physical admission that you're desperately seeking someone to love you as much as the bride and groom love each other, and it's just not happening, so you need to cover all your bases by catching this bouquet...just in case it actually works. The more interested you look in catching the bouquet, the more awkward it is. Conversely, though, if you stand aside, people may think you have something against marriage or that you think you're too evolved for that or whatever, and of course you don't want to be making that statement at a wedding, either. So, the best way to deal with this is, of course, to just go to the bathroom...or take a fake phone call...or something. Just avoid the situation all together. It's better for everyone that way.

I hope that these ten tips along with some waterproof mascara and a good pair of earrings will help you get through wedding season. You're gonna need all the help you can get.

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