Tuesday, June 4, 2013

How to Avoid Men

Ryan-Gosling-Shirtless, Beefcake, Ryan-Gosling-Body, no-Ryan-Gosling
Have you had your fill of men and their tomfoolery? Sick of those boys always trying to have their cake and eat it, too? Never want to listen to another boring conversation about sports or beer or video games or unwise decisions? Well, then today's post is just for you! Through long years of honing and practice, I have perfected the art of never coming into contact with any eligible bachelors whatsoever. Lucky for you, I'm willing to impart the five most important steps to how you, too, can become a spinster who may never hold hands or gaze into the eyes of someone who fancies her again. You lucky duck!

1. Work in a female dominated field:
          Personally, I suggest fashion. Any men working in your office - all five of them - will be either married, gay, or in a seriously committed long term relationship. So, in other words, you'll be safe. Other options might include working in an elementary school, being a hair stylist or makeup artist, being an aesthetician, or working at a women-only gym. Professions to avoid include but are not limited to: Finance, any medical field or anything in the sciences, Law, IT, Computer Programming,  and being a sports agent.

2. Eat lunch at your desk:
          The less time you spend outside of your office, the less opportunity those men will have to try and make eyes at you or ask for your name or phone number. You wouldn't want them thinking you might actually enjoy eating lunch with someone other than your computer monitor and your desk neighbor, now would you? Additionally, you might want to stick to lighter fare at lunch like salad-only spots and places that serve things like a small soup and half a sandwich. There will be less men there.

3. Go to a gym that's just for women:
          Don't want to stare at sweaty beefcakes lifting weights? Good. Neither do I. Especially not Ryan Gosling. I mean, seriously. The best way to avoid having to see or be seen by physically fit men is to join a gym that's just for women. This way, when you're sweating it up, you can wear that unicorn shirt without shame. Bonus: you'll never meet a guy who thinks you're lookin' pretty cute on that treadmill. Becuase you don't want him to think that you're always going to be fit, right?

4. Be a non-drinker:
          I know, this is a tough one for a lot of people, but believe me, it works. If I had a dime for every guy I haven't met or gone out with or dated because I'm a nondrinker...I mean...I'd live in the Biltmore Estate. Or I'd at least own my apartment. Lots of guys like to hang out at bars with their guy friends in the hopes that they'll meet the ladies or just have fun out together. I mean, why would you want to go to a place where you know there are going to be lots of single guys? That's just asking to be flirted with. And, really, who wants that?

5. Be interested in Girly things:
          No, I don't mean Girly magazines. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean you should watch only movies and TV shows that you like without regards to whether any man will have or will want to see them. Stay up on celebrity gossip, and read lots of fashion and design blogs. Make lots of wedding pinboards on Pinterest, and keep a scrap book of how your wedding will be. (Full disclosure, I don't do either of these things, but I really think they're both great ideas.) Interests to avoid: Video Games, Technology, Sports, Cars, Action Movies, Building Things, Travel, and Will Ferrell.


If you adhere to these five suggestions, you should be in a testosterone-free zone in no time. If you want to speed up the process, get yourself a kitten calendar and start wearing cat shirts and talking about kittens all the time. I've found it usually really helps.

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