Miss Spinster America

I'm from the South, so last night I watched the Miss America pageant. While I wish there were more plus sized contestants, the pageant is always pretty exciting. It should be noted that this is the closest thing to a non-olympic sporting event that I like watching on TV. In fact, I feel like there should be bookies who take bets on this event and potentially a fantasy pageant league.

While I was watching the swimsuit competition, I had the distinct feeling that perhaps I should have eaten about 50% less than I ate this weekend. There should have been no hot Krispy Kreme, no chocolate milk, and no peanut butter m&ms. And that's just to start. As I lamented the fact that I was fourteen the last time my thighs were as slim as the scantily clad ladies' sauntering down the runway, I decided I needed to design my own Miss America pageant wear.

Firstly, I would represent the Spinster state of being, so I'd be "Miss Spinster." My talent would probably include pizza, netflix, loving kittens, or potentially rapping. My platform would be kitten advocacy or potentially singles' awareness.

At the top of this post, you'll see the sketch of the Miss Spinster Eveningwear ensemble. This includes a sequin-and-bead-emblished wrap dress (re: fancy speak for secret bathrobe), a pair of pink high heeled ostrich feather mules, and a luxe terry cloth turban (towel). The look is completed with drop earrings and clear spectacles.

The other sketch you'll see here is the spinster's answer to the swimwear problem. Clearly the chunk sitch should not be parading around on national television. That is, not unless the body type of pageant queens drastically changes before The state of being a spinster gains statehood and I am subsequently chosen as their representative in the Miss America pageant. 

A neoprene wetsuit certainly qualifies as swimwear. In fact, with how cold the water off the coast of Atlantic City is, it's potentially more appropriate for swimming in the region where the pageant is held. The benefit here for the spinster, though, is that neoprene is thick and stretchy, smoothing out all lumps, bumps, and imperfections while offering total coverage of any other...textural issues. 

To make the wetsuit perfectly pageant-appropriate, it is, of course, embellished with miniature Swarovski Crystals in varying sizes. To add an extra level of visual texture, the color of the rhinestones varies from smoke to clear to clear iridescent. Neoprene insets, piping, and cover lock stitches are a nice red-orange neoprene. the look is completed with a pair of embellished black pumps.

Now that we've discussed my ensembles for my entry in the Miss America pageant, can we discuss how horrifying Miss New York's talent was? If you didn't see it, please google it. 

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