Spinster Gripe: 5 Tips For Male Online Daters

Like any girl my age who's still single, I've tried online dating. Oh, boy, have I tried! I've done eHarmony, OK Cupid, and most recently Hinge. Maybe it's because i'm getting older, heavier, and less attractive, or maybe I'm just totally burned out. Whatever it is, though, this ridiculousness has to stop. So, today you can laugh at my pain as I lay out some new ground rules for these men of the online dating world. Let's just go ahead and get to it.  These are in no particular order:

1. Don't wear a fashion hat...or any hat, really, on the first date.
          If you're meeting a girl from online, and you show up wearing a hat, you're just adding another element that could signal something horribly wrong. For instance: She may hate your hat. She may think it's ugly. OR she may think you're bald underneath and trying to hide it. Just show her you're bald, man. If you're a great guy, and you've really got your stuff together, baldness is not going to matter. And if it does matter, then she's not for you. You may think you're being fancy or sneaky by wearing a hat, but she just thinks your'e trying to hide something or are taking an unnecessary fashion risk. 

2. Don't use the dating websites as text messaging apps.
          Seriously, we're all on here to get a date, right? If I really wanted to text back and forth with someone so bad, I've got a phonebook full of people - male and female. If I'm so desperate to text someone, then maybe you shouldn't want to be texting with me. Man up and set up a coffee date. It'll cost you about $4 if we go dutch.

3. Don't ask for my phone number before I've met you.
          Until I see you live in the flesh, for all I know you're Catfishing me. I don't want you to have my phone number and harass me. This is also why I like to stick to the three-messages-and-meet policy. It's much easier to tell if someone exists and looks like their pictures by seeing them in person.  It's also easier to tell if you've been talking to an actual fish instead of a person. So embarrassing, right?

4. Please stop with your Zoolandering in your profile pics.
          There is one of, like, three faces a guy makes in his profile picture which he (i guess?) thinks are both funny and attractive. Because I'm seeing a bunch of these, I can tell you that it's not funny because it's absolutely 100% unoriginal. The faces are these: The actual Zoolander face, The serious/"sexy" (not sexy at all) face with one eyebrow raised, and some kind of serious face where your thumb and forefinger cradle your chin. Don't do it. It's just weird, guys, and we're not impressed. 

5. Don't just have guy interests.
          It seems like every single guy in online dating is into sports, is outdoorsy, and is active. Bonus points if they admit to being a gamer. Please note that there are a lot of girls who aren't interested in any of those things as a hobby. They are "active" because it's necessary, they go outdoors to get to their car, and figure skating is their favorite sport. Please do not expect us to be interested in your man interests. Please have some unisex interests like art, books, movies, food, or Betty Friedan. Any and all will do. 

I feel like I could write about seventeen more entries with more guidelines, but these will have to do for now. Here's to the death of fashion hats on first dates!

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